Stuck in the middle

Sometimes, I get stuck in the middle.

Between what I think something should be and what it is.

I’m under construction when I want to be finished.

Right now, I am stuck on what I want this blog to be.

Last week, I got excited by the idea of sharing audio.

I planned to experiment with recording something today.

I blocked it out on my calendar.

But it is not happening.

The internet is out.

It is hot.

I can’t focus in this loud cafe.

I have a lot of ideas, but I’m too scrambled to commit to one.

My desire to go with the flow is colliding messily with the reality that…it’s not flowing.

I feel frustrated. Annoyed. Disappointed.

Stewing in these emotions is not why I created this blog.

But being real and sharing my creative process is.

And right now, the realest thing I can say is that I am in it.

My new life here, this week in particular, has been a triumphant explosion of creativity.

I am learning a lot about myself and why I am here.

But right now, it’s not converting into something digested and polished.

It’s a lot of ingredients, spread out all over the counter.

It’s thirteen open tabs, still loading.

It’s 23 lines of text scraping for meaning.

It’s deciding I’m done, with no completion to rest in.

Setting down the pen, closing the laptop, sighing deeply, and moving on.

Trusting that soon, it will feel like flowing again.

But knowing that feeling isn’t on the other side of more grinding.

I’m just running from feeling like I’m failing,

not toward satisfaction.

I’m not bounding forward with the wind at my back and joy in my heart.

And so, with love, and respect for my stuck in the middle-ness,

I say ‘goodbye for now’ and let it be.