Today, I got my shit ROCKED by the ocean. It was rough; I could hear the waves crashing mercilessly as I walked up to the beach, but I went in anyway. I thought, “I’m a strong swimmer, I know what to do.” I am. And I did.

I swam to the bottom, then once I felt it pass, I swam up for air. This worked on the way in to get past the break, but on my way back out of the water, I couldn’t escape a series of huge waves breaking on top of me.

One tumbled me around so bad, I used up all of my breath-holding ability waiting for it to finish tumbling me around before I could find “up.” There wasn’t enough time to catch my breath before the next one came and I had to go under and do it again. 

That was scary. Seeing a giant wave heading my way, knowing I didn’t have my breath under me enough to comfortably weather it. That set my panic script into motion. Suddenly, I was fighting for my life in a big, scary ocean. Strong swimmer or not, I was at the mercy of my best efforts and whatever the water was going to do.

After a minute or so, (I have no idea how long it was) desperately swimming toward the shore, breathing while I could, and weathering the waves, it was finally shallow enough to stand up and walk. I trudged through the current trying to pull me back. My nose burned and my chest heaved.

I sat on my towel, spitting and blowing salt water out of my nose.

My panic gradually wound down. My breathing returned to normal. The breakfast I thought might reemerge settled back down in my stomach.

My mind turned back on, trying to catch up to the body that just had this suddenly life-threatening experience.

I asked myself, “What was this teaching me?”

That I shouldn’t have gone in in the first place? Yes.

That I could trust myself to survive? Yes.

That sometimes, life sends you waves that are simply too big and all the thinking and intellectualizing and trying to wrap your mind around it doesn’t change anything?

Yes. 

An experience like that brings you right to the most basic level of life. My brain has a big ego, but all the meaning-making and mental puzzling in the world won’t save me from the too-big waves. You just have to get through it, catch your breath, and keep going.

I am a recovering independence addict and know-it-all. 

I want to have all the answers, do everything on my own and never have to ask for help.

I grew up as an only child, and my parents were pretty controlling. 

So I either struggled until I figured things out myself, or someone swooped in with their agenda and took over.

There was no differentiation between being helped and being controlled. I couldn’t ask for help, and keep my selfhood.

So if I couldn’t get help and maintain my dignity and agency…I’ll keep my dignity and agency, thank you. 

And I thought I had to know everything. Love and approval from the adults in my life depended on me proving my intellect. I still feel the scars of this every day. 

So here I was, thinking I have to do it all on my own, know everything, and not let on that I can’t and I don’t, because it was too threatening. 

I was fighting upstream and burning out, carrying this heavy burden alone. 

We have an individualistic culture that reinforces this conditioning and keeps us lonely and depressed. In 2022, after a powerfully healing group retreat, my blinders came off. I could suddenly see how lonely my life was. I lived alone and I worked alone. And I live in a country that rewards those things as status symbols.

Feeling interconnected is THE NUMBER ONE THING that’s healed my depression and anxiety.

If deep down, you don’t want to receive (it’s too disempowering or scary or you feel undeserving) it blocks the flow of energy. I’m guessing you know how good it feels to give. What if you couldn’t because no one ever received?

It makes me cry to think about how much goodness and love I was blocking.

This was also the way I approached helping others. 

I was still carrying the conditioning that it was too shameful to be helped or to learn. That it somehow invalidated my ability to be a helper. I wasn’t strong or smart enough if I needed support. 

But, I also believed in the help I was giving, it felt incredible to be trusted to offer it and I was seeing the results.

This was the deep, invisible paradox of how I was living. And why I kept burning out. And why I was exhausted. And why I was unhappy.

And if I think my job as a coach is to give so hard I deplete myself, run my clients’ lives or give them all the answers, what am I really doing? Disempowering them. Trying to prove something to myself. Replicating the harm that was done to me.

It’s my job to show them their dignity. Empower them to ask for help. Uncover the wisdom their own bodies hold.

Life is so much more beautiful and easier and funner when we surrender, put down whatever baggage we think we have to hold, and receive the mysteries of life that we are a part of.

Thank you for choosing to receive this.

The more open we are to receive, the more we receive.

It’s pretty simple. So leave some room and ask for help. You deserve it.

I often find myself 

bouncing from track to track,

never letting the train take me.

Hovering over the controls, 

unsure which knob to turn.

The choice I don’t realize I’m making 

is to stay above ground.

To avoid digging in 

and getting my hands dirty.

I want to be covered in mud.

But not here. And not like this.

Someday.

For now, I’ll keep carrying this shovel, 

in search of just the right spot,

wondering what it would feel like

to move Earth.

To give birth

to raw pursuit.

Who would I be on the other side?

What has to die

for Life to find its way through me?

There’s freedom in joining the tide.

You can rest your head

cuz your Soul 

is rooted.

Control is fruitless,

It steals your Juice-ness.

So close your eyes and take a bite. 

We’re here 

to be 

ALIVE.

Even writing this, I found myself caught between possibilities. Trying to imagine which word would land with an imaginary reader. Just up in my own head with ghosts. Truth is, I have NO IDEA. And no amount of grinding my gears will make me know. There are times when careful planning and minding the details are essential. But many more times, I’m driving myself crazy, pouring out energy, wrestling with the 2%, thinking it’s going to make or break the other 98. The pursuit of perfection leaves us burnt out and discouraged. Sometimes, we need a break. Sometimes, we need to let time offer perspective. Sometimes, we need to just decide it’s done and move on. But it’s easy to flail around in the frustration loop. It seems like complete satisfaction is just one forceful brain-rack out of reach. That’s exactly when it’s time to put it down, stand up, and be done. Maybe for now. Maybe for ever. I feel it right now as I type. I’m tired. My brain hurts. But the mystical Perfect Blog Post is just one sentence away! Nah.